Channel Four are doing a programme called Battlefront where young campaigners are fighting hard to get their cause featured. 19 have been picked and there is one space left.

LLTGL Advocate Holly Shaw, has had her "Gift of Life" campaign idea accepted! And now it's over to us.

Channel 4 are going to pick the most popular campaign to go through to their final group, with their favourite ones being featured on the Battlefront TV programme.

To vote people have to do is visit the website above and click on "Vote". That's it! No need to register or anything else. So please, for the love of pie, vote, pass this on, spread the word, hassle friends/work colleagues etc. http://battlefront.co.uk/campaign/the-gift-of-life/

Holly has a disadvantage in that she has only just got her campaign on the website and voting ends next week (1st October). So we are asking as many people as possible to put a link up about this on their websites, Myspaces, Facebooks, etc. so we can get this campaign on channel 4.

Really appreciate any help anyone can give - it would be such a shame for Channel four to run this thing without anything about organ donation whatsoever...


http://battlefront.co.uk/campaign/the-gift-of-life/

I am still on a total high from Thursday night and can’t quite believe that we won. We are an award-winning charity. LLTGL are the Campaigning Team of the Year. It all just seems too incredible to contemplate. It seems like only yesterday Emma and I were sitting surrounded by thousands and thousands of plain T-shirts, trying to decide the best ones to use, completely unaware that what we were about to start was going to grow to be so huge.

On Thursday, me, Emma, Oli, Jen and Hal attended the Charity Awards 2008, knowing we were finalists in the Campaigning Team of the Year category. We were all totally over excited but figured that we wouldn’t win (see some of the competition to see why!) but the experience would be amazing.

The Royal Lancaster looked beautiful and everyone was beautifully dressed and buzzing with excitement. We were by far the youngest Charity there. Oli and I looked at the table plan and started giggling. We were table number 37....of 37. Right at the very back. Clearly we were not going to win as the winners had to make their way up onto the stage to collect their award.

Everyone was asked to take their seats and dinner was served. Unfortunately (and presumably due to the amount of foods which are on my “not allowed” list) I was served a plate of fruit as a starter, however the main (guinea fowl) and pudding (chocolate) were gorgeous. We were on a table with the Football Foundation and GAM, both of whom were lovely.

As you will have seen by the video clip by now, we genuinely didn’t think we would win. That shake of the head I give just prior to the announcement is to Emma, as just before that the charity who had received “Highly Commended” had been announced and that was what I was hoping we might get.

From then on it’s all a bit of a blur. We headed up to get our award, people cheering all round the room, and when we got onto the stage I grabbed the host and said burbled something about how most of us were transplant recipients. Unintentionally this outburst got me 20 seconds on the mic to the entire audience, which means we were the only charity who was allowed to speak during the whole ceremony! (How’s that for PR...).

The rest of the evening was just fantastic. People from other charities and organisations were coming up and congratulating us; everyone was so sweet and so touched by our charity and our backgrounds. It was a truly amazing night, and I think I can safely say that we all felt incredibly privileged to be there. It also reminded me how strong we are as a charity; we have virtually no funding, we have no employees, we do everything ourselves and everything on a voluntary basis. Yet all round the country, people know who we are and are cheering us on.

Live Life Then Give Life is an award-winning charity. And we are well and truly here to stay.

I will write all about it later but for now take a look at this (speakers on).

The winning Campaign Team of the Year is announced.

YAY!

So I'm sitting by my computer, doing some work on intoto (plug plug plug) when the phone goes. I answered, and there was just a muffled silence. After saying hello a few times I began to get a little worried; there were rustling noises and I could hear someone but couldn't work out what they were saying.

Was I being stalked? Why wouldn't this person hang up or answer? My imagination began to run wild (I've been watching too much CSI recently) and I got up to make my way to the kitchen to find rolling-pin-type-weapon or similar when I noticed my mobile (which I had been sitting on) was lit up with "Home" on the screen...

In other, more intelligent sounding news, we are off to the Charity Awards tonight. We are up for Campaigning Team of the Year. Looking at the competition I think it's unlikely we'll win (we're tiny compared to the other Charities!) but what an honour to even get to go! Wish us luck and watch this space for all the gossip....

ps - I typed dappy blonde into google image search to find a pic to accompany this tale and was less than impressed that result number 7 is in fact, me. Well my feet. Perhaps I should take the hint.

OK so a slightly longer break than I promised - oops - but life is hectic (in a good way :))

So, Sunday...

We were all rather apprehensive due to the utterly dismal weather which is making it feel more like winter than the end of summer, but I was determined to complete the course no matter how hard it was bucketing with rain; I even brought my spotty brolly along just in case. Due to a) a lack of time b) a lack of imagination and c) the fact I wanted to wear it again, I was once more donned in my bright pink fairydresswithsparklesandeverything. On arrival we trudged across the muddy field to the CF Stand, where we were supposed to meet the other CF angels. Due to cold weather and slight disorganisation this year, we managed to miss most of the other Angels but a small group of us did manage to head towards the starting line together.

As always, I was totally over excited. I love the day at Hyde park; it’s the only opportunity you get to see other CFers and CF supporters (outdoors being the lowest risk) and it’s just so nice to be able to wave to the people who support you constantly, through virtual means, but the support is no less real. I was bouncing round chirping at everyone (on reflection it was possibly a tad too early in the morning to be so awake) and whooping so much I was in danger of wearing myself out before the race even started.

After posing for a few pics and chatting to the lovely CF Trust people manning the stall, we headed for the start line. Well actually, being in the slowest group (there was no way I was going to try and imagine I could run the whole thing and hold all the proper runners up by being in the wrong category) we were about half a kilometre back from the start line, and we weaved our way amongst thousands of other brightly coloured ladies, all eager to get started. I’ve said so before but I just love this day so much – the human spirit it brings out is inspirational to witness. People running for friends, for family, for those fighting illness, for those lost, everyone together, wanting to spur each other on and wanting to cross that finish line.

We finally crossed the start line 20 minutes after the start gun had gone off (and amusingly 5 minutes after the winner had completed the course) and with much whooping and cheering we were on our way. We set off at quite a pace, jogging past others, but I quickly felt my lack of diaphragm kick in. Actually I must admit I did not train nearly enough, but my stamina is now quite good, my ability to speed up remains about the same as a year ago. Consequently I lost my puff quite early on but was determined not to slow down past a strong powerwalk. As others moved forward to keep to their own pace, my mummy and sisters stayed by my side and we marched swiftly on, me grasping my mum’s hand and pursing my lips hard (just like I was taught at the Brompton – I hope my physios would be proud!)

I knew we were definitely moving faster than we had done a year ago, and each K marker we passed boosted my confidence that bit more. At times I found it a bit frustrating; I feel so well now and feel like I could just run, but need to accept that my body can’t do everything and running is one of the things it still struggles with. Due to the hideous weather, there were very few people marking the route to cheer us on, however those there were shouting encouragement and you could see the affect it had, everyone definitely moved quicker past groups of supporters than they did at quieter parts of the course.

We continued to weave our way along, power walking and jogging intermittently, and I was beginning to get very hot and sweaty (will choose to ignore any suggestions that inappropriate clothing played any part in this). Suddenly I recognised a hill ahead and realised we were nearly at the point at which I got out of my wheelchair to walk two years ago. We quickened our pace and as the final corner came into view, broke into a run. I could feel my heart thudding in my chest as my lungs tried to keep up with my enthusiasm, and as if realising I was struggling, my family grabbed my hands and we ran forward in a line. I was gasping (and fairly dizzy) as the finish came into view but crossed it at almost exactly 53 minutes.

53 minutes!! I couldn't believe it. I was hoping to come in around the hour but that is way better than I imagined. And even more importantly it was a struggle, and I wanted it to be a challenge as, well, otherwise I can’t really justify asking for sponsorship! Overjoyed and exhausted, we headed back to the CF Trust stand to congratulate fellow runners. Unfortunately the weather was just far too cold for a picnic, so we returned home fairly swiftly.

My legs have been aching like anything since but ohmygoodness I love that feeling! It’s as if I did something real and sporty (I can pretend can’t I?!) and even better my lungs feel fine and did do within minutes of me stopping. I think I will always do the Hyde Park 5k, every year, for as long as I can, because it was my first ever race and because it will always remain so dear to my heart as witness of my transformation into a new life with new lungs.


2006

2008

Still time to sponsor....click here to do so!

I have a fair bit to write about after a rather incredible weekend so this may well turn into quite a long un.

On Saturday, LLTGL was invited to a ceremony by a fellow charity named BODY (British Organ Donor Society). I will now shamefully admit that I hadn’t paid much attention; I knew they were dedicating a tree to our charity as recognition and I knew that Oli and I had said we’d go as let’s face it if a fellow charity is recognising your work then that’s the least you can do. What I had not realised is that the day consisted of so much more than that. That it was an annual church service of thanksgiving for donors, that it had been going on for 22 years, and that it would have an incredibly strong emotional impact on me.

The service was held in Wimpole National Trust (which is a beautiful place incidentally) in Cambridge so it was a fairly long drive and I felt a bit hot and bothered by the time I got there. We found the marquee fairly quickly and introduced ourselves to the small gathering there. I wandered off to look at the display boards set up round the outskirts of the marquee, and it began to hit me just what kind of day this was. There were little cards with messages from donor families to their loved ones and from recipients to the donors they’ll never meet stuck up in rows. There were lists of names, hundreds of names, of donors, people who are now gone but thanks to whom other people are still here, stuck up on another board. When you are this side of the transplant fence you of course think of “your donor” but they are anonymous to you, and this made it all so much more real that someone was dead and that was why I was still alive.

I am not religious in any sense of the word, however the service was indescribably beautiful. The candle ceremony was particularly poignant; where from one large central candle six smaller ones were lit, symbolising the gift passed onto six others...then the large candle was taken away.

People were invited to get up and share stories. The chairman of BODY read out a poem he’d written his wife during an extremely difficult time (they lost their son and donated his organs) and spoke gently about how important it is to remember those still there, and not get lost in the grief of those who have gone. Moved to tears by his bravery, and following another recipient, I got up and said a few words. I would like to consider myself quite an expert speaker by now, but my voice was shaking and I wanted to sit down fairly swiftly. I just wanted the amazing families gathered to realise just a bit how important that decision which all unites them has been to me and my family.

Tears flowed throughout the service from all around, however there was somehow a very positive air as well. I think the strangest thing for me was being a minority – a recipient – surrounded by those responsible for people like me still being here. It was a truly humbling experience.

After the service we walked a short way through the park to see our Tree. The Charity owns an avenue of Trees and ours is number 43. The Trees in this avenue are dedicated to individuals or organisations that make a difference in the world of Transplantation and Organ Donation. To be recognised by this lovely, personal and humble charity made me very proud indeed.

This is an annual ceremony, and I will be back, as it made me reflect on my donor in a way I have never done before, and I intend to make an annual pilgrimage to support BODY and to think about my donor family as I took so so much away from that day. It is an open ceremony, so if you are interested in going at some point contact me for further details.

This is a ridiculously long blog already. I am going to have to write about the Hydro Active, sorry, the Adidas challenge another time (perhaps later). Suffice to say 53 MINUTES BABY!! Now surely that is worth some sponsorship...

I heard this story on a factual, newsworthy programme* and I wanted to put it up here. Time and time again there are posts on the message boards I belong to about people crumbling and struggling, who see it as a sign of weakness that they need to reach out (yes I am aware of the slight pot, kettle, black situation here) so here is the little story; as a reminder to me, as a reminder to anyone else who ever struggles as to what exactly strength is. I know it's a little cheesy, but I just like the sentiment.

A little boy and his mother are out walking. The little boy spots a rock, points at it and asks his mum if she thinks he can lift it. "If you use all your strength then yes you can" his mum replies, so the little boy runs straight to the rock and grasps it firmly. He strains and struggles, and tries several times to lift it, but to no avail. He tells his mum he cannot lift it, but she replies again that he can, and then walks over to him where she also grasps the rock and together they lift it up. The mother explains to her son that using all your strength means enlisting the help of other people, of those around you who want to be there for you and support you.

So next time you are struggling....use all your strength.


*or it was on a cheesy American soap but I don't think that detracts from the point of it being rather good.

As always, thank you so much for your lovely responses and emails. That’s one of the things I love about this blog, I can quietly be reassured that I’m not completely nuts and then carry on day to day stuff as normal. Anyway who needs a map when life’s an adventure? I’ll take the surprises thank you very much; it’s not done me any harm so far.

It’s been a very busy but lovely time since I last wrote; middling sister turned 21 and we had a fantastic weekend of family, friends and laughter. I absolutely love family time; I’m very lucky in the fact that quite a lot of my family live nearby, and it’s always so wonderful to spend happy time with them after all the ups and downs they’ve been through with me.

On Saturday we had a LLTGL meeting which was very exciting indeed. Being a real grown up charity and everything, we now need a formal business plan to demonstrate how we will be moving forward over the coming months and years. It reminded me how incredibly lucky I am to be involved in LLTGL, as I learn so much from it, get to exercise my passions, and it’s all for a good cause! Perfect! Following the meeting, I was kindly fed and watered by Oli and his lovely K. We killed some time on the Wii (I am rubbish) and as we howled with laughter at my darts “skill” I realised how incredibly lucky we both were to be standing there; if it wasn’t for organ donation, neither of us would be here anymore.

Tomorrow we are off to the Department of Health which is yet another incredibly exciting event for LLTGL. Incidentally, did any of you who entered the Great British Duck Race win? Numbers are up here now...my duck was clearly too busy admiring its own reflection or something. Nevermind.

Oh and one last plug; on Sunday I am, er runwalking the Adidas 5k (formally and more favourably known as the Hydro Active). I have dug out my bright pink fairy dress and am dusting off my pink trainers. Even if it’s tipping it down (like it is today) I’m there with glitter on. So please please take a minute to sponsor us to help see off CF. Thank you muchly.

One of the biggest differences in life now compared to life when I was ill is change (this blog is a bit of a stream of consciousness, bear with me).

Whilst I was waiting for my transplant, the only thing that would ever change was my health status, or at least that's the only really significant thing I can remember changing. I am not sure if this was carefully manufactured (people ensuring stability in all other areas of my life) or whether it was logical (if you can't get out and do stuff then nothing really changes) or even whether it's just my memory focusing on the part of my life which captured most of my time and attention. But I am fairly sure that in everything else there was a reassuring yet dull consistency, one which is artificial, whatever caused it.

I am still quite surprised at how fast the course of life can change this side of things, and I’m not sure I’ve quite taken it all into my stride yet. I always prided myself on being so independent when I was ill but sometimes when change occurs now I still find myself reaching out to someone just for a bit of reassurance (normal behaviour? I am unsure). Luckily for me, the tight-knit circle of people I had when I was ill have gone nowhere, but we just have a much more balanced support relationship now. For example baby sister number one (middling) is turning 21 this week (sob) and it was jointly agreed that her room needs a bit of a make-over (there are still toys of mine in there from when I was 8). I was able to spend the entire morning there helping tidy, dispose of and clean and it felt fantastic just to be able to chip in and do my bit. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that joyous feeling of doing something “normal” and remembering how impossible it used to be. And I never want that feeling to fade.

So yes, change. I’d like to ask for some feedback actually; whatever stage you are at in life (not ill, transplantee/patient/CF whatever) how do you adapt to change? Am talking about larger movements in life (job, house etc). Are you confident with where you are going next or is life still a bit of a mystery that you’re feeling your way through? I still love the adventure; it's exciting and has movement, pace and opportunity...I’m just wondering if I’m the only one without a map.

So yesterday I went to see the Kidney man.

This is not his name because he a)looks a bit like a kidney or b)consumes them on a regular basis, rather that I can never remember his name and he is the Dr who looks after our kidneys post transplant.

As you should have read here (if you've been paying attention) my kidneys have been being ever so slightly naughty so Dr C booked me in to see the Kidneyman to have a good look around and check that there aren't any other factors which are causing my Kidneys to muck around.

I had a Kidney ultrasound, which apparently I also had in Feb 2007 but I don't remember at all (suspect I was knocked out as I was still ventilated at that time). For those who haven't had an ultra sound, they squeeze what they promise will be a warm gel onto a probe (which I think looks a bit like a barcode scanner at the supermarket) and then dig about on your abdomen. Whenever I squirmed a bit (they have to push around quite firmly to find the kidneys I think, not really sure) the radiographer commented "ooh, ticklish?" to which I had to bite my tongue to refrain from commenting, "no and you need to look up tickling in the dictionary as this is certainly not it".

It all went OK however and isn't painful at all and I was informed that my kidneys look fine which is a big yay moment. I then went and completed all the regular tests (stonking lung function - think Greece must agree with me and am considering requesting holiday funding on NHS) and then my lovely mother who accompanied me as it is the summer holidays (she is a hardworking teacher. OK she's a teacher) took me to Uxbridge to buy lovely things. YAY! After our shopping expedition and lunch (as we were a bit fatigued after all the shopping) we returned to clinic to see the kidneyman.

He was very nice and extremely reassuring – I have been pretty nervous about all this as it’s something new. I am pretty used to my lungs mucking around but I was asleep when I went on dialysis post transplant so am only used to having good well behaved kidneys, and would like them to stay that way please. Anyway he was quite clear that he is not alarmed as yet, however there is an evident drop in kidney function and he estimated that my kidneys currently have about 50 – 60% function. That came as a bit of a shock; to be honest I didn’t even consider that they might be able to measure how well they were working through those minor tests.

Apparently it looks like I am just one of those patients who is going to be more sensitive to cyclo. This means that at some point we will have to change my immunosupressants to try and preserve my kidney function. Not particularly thrilled at this prospect as I have been incredibly lucky so far and not had a single bout of rejection (touches all the wood in the vicinity) but as they said, my kidneys are young and strong and we’d quite like to avoid dialysis (it does make me smile how lightly they drop these options in, as if they are mentioning the need for a new haircut or something).

So yes, the summary is: currently nothing to worry about, so we watch and wait as I am still fairly “new” post transplant therefore let’s not rock the boat before we have to. However at some point we will be changing my immunos. Incidentally massive thanks to those who responded saying they’d had their immunos switched as it helped to read other people’s experiences. I am lucky to have such a fabulous team as they are constantly pre-empting anything that might happen which means I have lots of options open to me and my kidneys are being well looked after. If anyone is medically inclined and (like me) curious to know why I am not on Tacrolimus and MMF, the reason is that Tacro can cause diabetes and as I am pre-disposed (is that right?) to it anyway cyclosporin is the better option. Plus Tacro is equally as toxic to the kidneys (or nephrotoxic – check out me and my medical vocab). For anyone who wants to learn more about kidney...ness I suggest you check out Holly’s blog; she is one of our LLTGL advocates and is waiting for a kidney transplant and explains things ever so well.

Looking back at yesterday it was a very good day; no huge current issues with my kidneys, my chest X-ray was described as “pristine” – all I need to do now is lose a little of my holiday weight...

We went to a gorgeous little place on the coast in Greece; a little bit of paradise that my family and I discovered way back in 1993, and due to falling in love with it went back a further 6 times. On that last visit, I knew it would quite possibly be the last ever one for me. I loved it as much as I always had done but merely being in the heat was exhausting, let alone walking along the beach or up the small rocky steps to our apartment.

As I mentioned in a previous post, this was the place which I went back to in my mind when things were at their most tough. Whenever I was undergoing procedures or trying to keep myself calm, I’d picture myself, eyes closed, lying on the white sand listening to the waves with the Greek sun beating down and warming every inch of me. Needless to say I was rather excited about returning, plus this time A was coming so he’d get to see what all the fuss was about.

The holiday was fantastic; 2 weeks of heat, sunshine, good food and lovely people. I couldn’t believe how different it was for me, and the lack of effort (compared to last time) it would take to do things still surprised me, even though I knew me and my old lungs had had to work very hard to keep up.

I got a bit of swimming confidence back too which was lovely. When the turquoise Mediterranean stretches before you, cool and inviting, it’s much easier to overcome the fears developed over years of tiring quickly and suddenly, and by the end of the holiday I was swimming right out to the buoys that marked the end of the bay and back again. I walked to the cliff edge one evening and stood and watched the evening sun dance and sparkle on the sea, before throwing some flowers in for my donor, and watching them drift out slowly and disappear into the glittering waves.

It’s strange being back home; that feeling of “was I really there?” (which I’m sure hits all holiday makers when they return to normality) has hit home and I am now trying to catch up on real life where I left off. I had the most amazing two weeks and really cannot believe my luck that I was able to return to such a gorgeous place that is filled with so many memories from over the years.

Busy (but exciting) week ahead, so more to come soon, but for now here are some more pics which whilst they don’t do it justice, demonstrate slightly just why I love our little Greek paradise so much.

Cabaret favourites....



....was awesome.

More on that to come, but I may not get a chance before I go on HOLIDAY!!

Yes that's right, my first proper summer holiday since 2002! I can't believe I'm actually going (won't believe it till I am lying on the beach, smothered in factor 50) but so totally over excited I cannot wait.

So if you don't hear from me for two weeks, take that as a good sign....

Life is truly flying again, and I am loving it!

Last week myself, Oli and some rather fabulous LLTGL helpers held a talk at the Treasury in Whitehall. It was a fantastic event, organised by their disability committee. We scooted up to London, with me saying “I’ll be a lot calmer when we’re at the station/on the train/at Whitehall/in the main room" at various intervals, each statement proving to be an utter lie.

I spoke first, about LLTGL, Transplantation, the statistics and the fears of waiting, and then introduced our guest speaker C, who bravely agreed to come along to tell the assembled what it was like watching your father wait and hope for a new heart. The audience was silent as she explained beautifully that the wait for transplant is like a washing machine – most people would say rollercoaster but that implies ups then downs whereas with a washing machine you are pelted with all these emotions at once (trademarked by C, Oli and I shall now be begging to steal said description). As she reached the end of her talk, the emotion of it all surfaced and she broke down, and I moved up to the mic to finish her speech whilst giving her a gentle squeeze.

I cannot even begin to explain how much more of an impact it has coming from someone who is living the situation right here, right now and we cannot thank C enough for being bold enough to stand up there and pour out her heart to a visually moved audience. The whole afternoon was just fantastic and we will hopefully have several more events stemming from it so watch this space...

One thing down, one very exciting thing to go: Cabaret Favourites is a mere two days away and I am now officially petrified! We had a full rehearsal on Saturday and the amount of talent we have in this cast is just incredible. Wednesday should be a fantastic evening; I am starting to get really rather panicky about singing on stage myself (not a good start when encouraging others to do so!) I keep having this fear I am going to cough in the middle and then remembering my new lungs don’t tend to do that...we will hopefully have some pictures which I can post after the big day.

Things have been so busy that I keep forgetting that a week today I shall be sunning myself (well sitting nicely in the shade smeared in factor 50) in much sunnier parts! I am going on my first proper summer holiday...2 weeks in gorgeous Greece. We are returning to a place we often went to as a family when I was younger, so I cannot wait to go back. When I had my tension pneumothorax and they were trying to stabilise me enough to move me to the Brompton, I apparently asked my dad to talk about our little haunt in Greece and describe it to me to keep me calm. I am so lucky to be able to go back, and I can’t wait to see what it is like now, this time with precious new working lungs.

Thank you as always for your wonderful comments and emails which always a) help me with my perspective and b) are just so lovely to read.

I went to Harefield on Thursday to see what was going on. All in all the appointment went well. Oxygen saturations were 100% (as the nurse said, can't get much better than that!) Lung function fantastic (tiny drop but not big enough to be of any relevance) Blood pressure etc all normal, X-ray was described as "pristine" (woohoo!)

Of course I can't leave a hospital without something being a slight cause for concern and it appears the latest organs to need an ASBO are my kidneys. They have been messing around intermittently and so the docs looked at the general trend over the year, which is essentially showing a slow decrease in function.

This sounded rather alarming to me but my consultant was fab, explaining carefully that it isn't any reason to panic at the moment, but does require further investigation to try and ascertain just what is causing their decline. The number one suspect is Cyclosporin, one of my immunosuppressants. In fact they are 99.9% sure this is the culprit, but as Dr C said, the one time you assume that's the reason is the time that actually it's a more concealed cause.

So I have all sorts of fun tests booked for August (a day out for me and my kidneys if you will) to triple check everything else and check that the big bad bully is indeed my Cyclosporin.

Progression if it is the Cylco? We can switch me to a different immuno which I don’t really like the sound of as it’s much newer (thus less known about it) and my lungs have been so very good (not a mention of the R word in sight) and as they say if it ain’t broke don’t fix it...but then I might not have a choice.

Anyway as my sisters pointed out, nice of me to pick a different organ to muck around with for a little while. They always have had an amusing way of looking at things...

Firstly massive apologies for not updating on the blood test thing - Kidneys are doing ok, the 2nd blood test showed a slight improvement so they are not too worried, although I will be returning to good ol' Harefield probably on Thursday.

It has been a tough week as I have had to realise a few things.

* Recovery from the actual Transplant is not the end. There's a myriad of other little elements which still need TLC along the way which will spring up when you least expect them.

* Working full time is a bit too much right now.

It’s been very hard for me to accept both of those points and therefore I have made the last week a little tougher for myself than it probably needed to be. I’m not very good at giving in or being defeated, I’m not very good at letting people down, and even though if I stopped and looked at it with an outsiders perspective the only person I am a) giving in to and b) letting down is myself, it’s still very hard.

Still the upside is my lungs are rather fabulous. Whilst I remember, massive congratulations to my middling sister Lucy who recently learned that she is a 1st Class Honours student and will shortly be heading into the world of journalism if her talent is anything to go by.

And how could I finish my blog without a plug for my very own project...some of you may remember a show I produced in 2004 entitled Cabaret Favourites. I loved it (always happiest when immersed in music and drama) but felt a little sad watching as really I wanted to be up there myself. I participated in the final number (by waving my arms around vigorously) but as the lights went to blackout I remember bending over, hands on knees, gasping and trying to regain my breath.

This year I will be debuting my new lungs as my sister has convinced me to get up there and sing a duet with her. I am totally over excited but incredibly nervous. Plus of course there’s a whole host of extremely talented young performers ready to sing their hearts out and create a musical spectacular in aid of Live Life Then Give Life. Want to see it? Come along: 23rd July at 7.30pm, email emily (at) livelifethengivelife.co.uk for more info and/or to book tickets. YAY!

This weekend was unbelivably hectic but incredibly inspiring. On Saturday afternoon, I travelled up to Liverpool (worst journey in the whole world - Virgin didn't give me my ticket, said they would, then proceeded to try and make me buy a new one at every. single. change.) to stay with my old flatmate (she's not old, we were flatmates at uni. You know what I mean.) in preparation for a pretty big day on the Sunday.

The reason for this escapade was to support the Tighe family in their annual Ste Tighe tournament, in memory of their son who was killed in 2006, and who saved the lives of 5 people through the gift of life. The family are incredible, you can see their ITV interview here

The day was fantastic - dozens of 5-aside teams from all over Liverpool joined together in a huge tournament, to raise money for LLTGL. It was fantastically organised and I just can't get over how amazing the Tighe family is. They lost there son only 2 years ago, but they were genuinely touched that we had made the effort to come all the way up...I felt it was the least we could do.

Talking to donor families helps me better understand that little bit more about what goes on on the other side of it all. It's very hard to imagine unless you are in that position, but the more I learn, the more convinced I am that spreading the word and getting people to think about the option of organ donation helps everyone; just seeing the comfort the Tighes now get knowing people are walking around today because of their son reminds me that even that small bit of comfort the gift of life can bring to a donor family is extremely valuable.

I felt very humbled by everything I saw on Sunday. Sometimes tragedy brings out the best in people, and watching scores of people cheering Paula as she stood up to take the mic and thank everyone for their support brought a swell of happiness about human nature and just now great everyone can be. I also got to meet Holly, our rather lovely Advocate who is generally being a little shiny star in amongst hours and hours and hours of dialysis. I will put some piccies up when I get a chance.

This post is sounding rather hippy and hug-a-tree but nevermind. I am happy, inspired and motivated. Off for bloods later this morning, won't get the results for a while I shouldn't think but I shall keep everyone posted.

The other night I was working a bit later than usual and decided to run for the last train. I learned several things from this experience.

1) My lungs are good when I run (yay!)
2) My legs are not.
3) One should not wear ballet pumps when running
4) ballet pumps with big bows on are even sillier.
5) My diaphragm was not good at all.

Well actually, whilst I was running I was fine, I ran, got my train and collapsed on it in a grinning sweaty heap, however later on, my diaphragm decided to demonstrate its lack of appreciation and get very grumpy and painful. This was quite strange, predominantly because as I understood it, my diaphragm is paralysed, so surely it wouldn't be affected during over exertion...? (any medic types feel free to educate me on this). The other bizarre thing was the type of pain bought old memories flooding back. It was a very similar pain to the stuff I had at the beginning of various lung collapses, and it really freaked me out. I don't quite understand why it freaked me out so much though as I knew this wasn't the same. I am fully aware I have new lungs (even I am not that blonde) and that they are much better behaved than their predecessors, but I couldn't shake the fear, and went to bed a bit of a nervous wreck. Needless to say all is fine, but it's funny how a sensation can bring back such strong memories, physically as well as mentally.

Continuing on the topic of health (ooh haven't discussed health stuff for a while!) Harefield rang. Several times in fact (I'm not v easy to get hold of as I listen to messages then, er, forget to reply) and apparently my kidney function isn't looking as great as it could be. As with all new areas post-transplant it's always a tad nervewracking to hear something isn't quite right, but hopefully it was a dud result or it just needs some medication tweaking or something. Either way, I'm off for more bloods next week to get it checked thoroughly. Come on little kidneys, cheer each other on, get each other hyped up into over-enthusiasm mode.

Other life stuff? Peachy thanks. Yay!

I can't believe I haven't posted in almost a month! That is pretty shocking. I tend to post of course when there's something to post about; I wouldn't want to write for the sake of it.

It occurred to me the other day, I have an awful lot of material I have written for a book (some of it from this blog) which I am currently doing nothing with so I might post a few bits of that...

My youngest sister turned 18 at the beginning of the week. Thanks to me being rather poorly she grew up a little quicker than perhaps she should, but it still feels weird that she is now a real grown-up (well as grown-up as turning 18 actually makes you.)

Work is going well; I think I am still struggling to adjust to the fact that I'm not immediately perfect at this. Thinking about it logically I think it's because I haven't challenged myself properly since Uni. When I was ill I always ensured I kept myself busy but of course they were doing things I was naturally good at (talking about myself) so it came easily. I got told at work the other day "you are the smiliest person I've ever seen!" which I took as a huge compliment! It reminded me of one of my old favourite quotes: "Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important" which I used to remember whenever I felt down about looking so poorly. Anyway I can't help smiling. It's genetic.

The Breathing Life Awards were held last Thursday and looked amazing from the clips I have seen on the net (which can be seen here). It's a very glitzy night organised by the CF Trust to recognise people with CF's achievements; everything from getting through the toughest times to academic and sporting achievement. The emotion there on the night is incredible; I was lucky enough to win an award in 2005 and it really was a night to remember, so massive congrats to everyone who went and was nominated this year.

I hope everyone else is out and about living and enjoying life, and making the most of this weekend's beautiful weather so far this weekend! Long may it last...

I knew I did the right thing blogging about my mental block re homeworking; thank you all so much for your comments and emails and so many of you raised points I must admit I didn’t consider (like the trust element). I will most definitely look upon this as a positive progression and am now in a much more sensible mindset about it all. So thank you.

I did another talk on Monday evening, this time to some local Guiders. I really enjoy doing my talks and try to do them as often as possible (I think it’s just word of mouth really, I’ve never really advertised them as such) but of course they tend to be evening ones now I am working (I love saying that, although I did call myself a working girl quite proudly in public the other day then realised it is another name for a prostitute. Oops).

Anyway it went really well. I have a sort of format which I vaguely stick to but I adapt it depending on the amount of people, their background (eg: medical) and how long they want me to witter on for. I love doing those talks as I feel like I am actively doing something to help those waiting, but I do try not to smooth over any of the sad and upsetting bits as I feel people need to understand just why organ donation is such an acutely important topic. A was so fed up of helping me lug broken cardboard boxes around he has provided me with a large black suitcase on wheels for all my bits and bobs; infinitely easier to manoeuvre from talk to talk and so much more professional looking! The next one I am doing is mid June in Kingston, and is actually an open one so do contact me if you want to come along.

This afternoon was sad as I joined hundreds (literally) of other people to say goodbye to Sam. It was a beautiful service, the most heartbreaking bit listening to her group of close friends stand up and sharing through their tears their memories about Sam and what she meant to them. It’s so frustratingly hard watching; it didn’t have to be like this and I think on this side of the looking glass I feel it even more, just how wrong and unnecessary a loss like Sam’s is. I know how different it could have been, and the fact I am lucky enough to still be here...I don’t know I think it just makes it even more nonsensical. I felt so privileged listening to those who knew Sam best telling everyone all about her, and totally inspired by the bravery of her family and friends. I am thinking of them all tonight.

This evening however will be a happy one, as it is a year since A proposed, so we are going out to celebrate the year that has been amazing in every single way. I cannot believe how far we have come both together and as individuals in the space of 12 months. It has been an incredible journey so far and I am absolutely having the time of my life.

So I am now almost three months into my new job. 3 months! I can’t believe how quickly the time has flown...

I am still loving it there, there is so much to learn and it is quite fast-paced but that’s what I love I think, the new challenge and the opportunity to learn again and try and develop new skills.

Last week I finally agreed to start working 1 day a week from home. It was mentioned from the minute I joined, but I was determined to do a full week onsite, just like anyone else does. I wanted to do this for the first three months as in my head this was the time I really have to prove that I am worth employing (well I have to do that all the time but you know what I mean).

With recent things such as the arthritis diagnosis (thank you so much for everyone who has got in touch and/or posted info about this; it’s so helpful just to know other people have experienced it and are doing fine with it. I am fine too atm, so feeling good about the whole thing and the fact it shouldn’t interfere with day to day too much) it has started to make more sense to at least be set up for the option of homeworking, so if I can’t get into the office for whatever reason, it does not stop me from doing my job. And of course should the flu season/a stomach bug hit then I shouldn’t be on the train/in the office anyway….

So yes there are a million good reasons for me to be set up as a homeworker in case, and if I am I might as well do one day a week at home just to give myself back those few hours spent travelling. So why do I feel like a failure?

It is most definitely all in my head. My team are fantastic and have reminded me you don’t work any less hard when working from home! And of course it’s only one day a week. But I just feel…I don’t know, like I should be there, present in the office, every day for the full week.

As long-time readers of my blog will know, I am not particularly good at caving when I think something is a sign of me relenting to my health. I think this becomes even harder in a way post-transplant, as I am so much better than I was, I feel anything should be achievable. Mind you it’s not to say I couldn’t do a full commuting week, it’s just is 1 day less the better option for me? It probably is.

I’ve always been terrible at the thought of missing out on things too. I used to hate going in to hospital when I was at school, predominantly at the thought of life carrying on behind my back when I wasn’t there. Perhaps this is reminiscent of that…?

I am fully aware this blog makes no sense. I think I just needed to get it out of my system so I can move forward and accept the fact it’s not because I’m different or weaker than anyone else, it’s merely that that will suit my personal circumstances better and enable me to stay well and fulfil my role. Now I just need to believe that...

First BBQ of the year for my family yesterday! You aren’t supposed to have barbecued food post transplant so I always take mine off of the BBQ and head straight to the kitchen to nuke it in the microwave until it is rather small and sizzling. It means I get to enjoy the BBQ taste like everyone else but just in the safest way possible. I am totally overexcited about summer this year as let’s face it, last years was a bit of a no-show. And now it’s beginning to show, I am starting to get excited about my longest holiday since 2003 (2 weeks baby!!) which will be at the end of July…bring it on!

Oh and final point - LLTGL sent out it's first ever newsletter yesterday! Very exciting (well for me anyway!) If you aren't on our mailer but would like to be, please just contact us through the website (or email me) and we will get you on there. Yay!