Saturday, August 05, 2006

Tonight, exactly two weeks after I was fighting for my life in intensive care, I got dressed in something other than pink PJs, and left the hospital for the first time. We wheeled me down the road, to a gorgeous little Italian restaurant which I have had many a happy meal in, and was my first outing after last years big collapse as well. As we sat down and raised our glasses, I felt very strange indeed. A huge mixture of relief, tears, excitement and fear, of what has happened¸ what could have happened, where I was, where I am now, and of what is still to come.

I have been terribly over excited about this outing and gearing up to it all week, and it really was a perfect evening. My pain was well controlled, and my appetite managed to kick in (funny how that happens when I spot lobster on the menu…) and so brave little me admirably managed three courses (poor father is now probably examining his wallet in a wistful manner wondering quite where my three mouthfuls of everything appetite had gone to!). We had the most gorgeous meal, and it was just so so lovely to be sitting there with my wonderful family. Who are stronger than Mr Strong from Strongland as my mother would say.

I knew I would find it hard afterwards, and I have done since being back. I think it is the build up and adrenalin, and of course that slight bit of reintegration into the real world and normality is a reminder of what I have been away from and what I nearly lost. So essentially I am now in a profound but content mood, and decided to blog instead of sitting staring at the wall, which whilst it is a lovely baby blue colour and does have a row of chippings on it which resemble an alligator if I tip my head to one side and squint a lot¸ isn’t the most stimulating of things to be concentrating on!

A number of people have mentioned to me how they find reading my blog a strange experience, as I have a tendency to write about sometimes quite horrific and/or sad things but then will drop in a touch of humour. This has never really struck me as weird before, but on thinking about it I think we (society) often feel that things are either bad therefore sad, or good therefore happy etc. I was talking about this with Abby the other night – I cannot think of a single time in life when you will get a simple stream of matching emotions. For example, at the most joyous of occasions, such as a wedding (not that I have weddings on the brain due to a dear friend of mine getting married in a weeks time!) there will be moments of tears, and touches of sadness amongst all elation and celebration. At a funeral, there will be a moment of laughter as someone recalls a funny memory or story, perhaps shared through tears of heartache.

Life is varied and complex, and for me that brings part of its great beauty. You can be crying with laughter one minute, and laughing through your tears the next, but I think what is important is allowing that and accepting that as part of life. Also viewing it in this way makes it harder for life to knock you down, when you see it as a collection of tiny fragments rather than one great solid slab, so even with huge black clouds everywhere a sliver of sunshine is bound to creep in somewhere. I try to think like that as it makes it easier to face the whole torrent of emotions which sometimes flood at me on an evening such as this, as it seems more natural that whilst I am elated and content to be at this stage compared to a week ago, I also feel a small ache of sadness at what the events represent as far as my health is concerned. Time is running out. And I have said it many times for the sake of media interviews and awareness raising, but of course sadly it isn’t just for effect, it is true. But I have every single chance of being called tonight as I did last night and the night before¸ and will look forward, take one day at a time, and keep concentrating on small goals, such as getting myself better and of course getting across that finish line!

All we can ever do surely is to keep on keep on, and live it and love it to the best of our ability? Oh and please don’t feel bad if you find yourself laughing at something I have written, unless it is at my spelling and/or grammar in which case feel very bad indeed as that is wrong and not at all funny and you should berate yourself entirely.


Click here to see my first outing! Click here to see a photo of the best family in the history of the entire world.

24 comments:

claire221082 said...

As always a wonderfully written blogg. Also brings a smile and yet is pleasantly grounded without being miserable. All in all i would say your blogg is a pretty good reflection of your amazing personality and strength!
Keep up the good work (<- very teacher like!)

xxx

jacqui and Jake said...

Just catching up after a few days away. Glad to hear it's improvements all round. I find your writing style especially easy to read, similar to that of sitting around the kitchen table discussing life, the universe and so on. Warm and humourous, and very real.....Look at me, suddenly a blog reviewer! Keep strong and hopeful. Happy blogging. xx

tasha said...

What a lovely post, love reading ur posts they are great. Glad u had a lovely meal and spent some quality time with ur family. Always makes me smile reading ur wee blogs. Take care keep fighting Love tasha x x

Bev said...

Sending you lots of love Emily. We are all routing for you here and praying hard that you get that so needed and deserved call really soon.

Lucy sends you lots of love too. We have to keep putting the Meridian interview on the TV so that she can tell whoever comes to visit that the person on the TV is HER friend Emily.

Take care sweetie.

Bev xx

Anonymous said...

Emily reading your blog is just so open and honest and feel comfortable with yourself expressing as you do which shows HUGE amount of courage and determination, we are so proud of you. ;)So glad to see you getting slowly but surley back into the wide world and making most of every little detail. :D
You are truly an inspiration really am praying 'the gift of life' comes soon for you. ;)

(((hugz))) Elaine Rach & all xxxxx

Kat said...

As always, a star and an inspiration :) You will get those lungs, just stay positive - not that I need to tell you to do that! And remember, everyone loves you x

Shadow said...

Soooo glad to see you up and waffling again!! I've been away so have been catching up.
Can't wait to see you in Hyde Park, not long now and I know you'll be there with us.
xxxxxxxxxx

livvy said...

A time for reflection - A time for family - and a time for friends. You have many who help to give you strength - to keep you focused and to help. You are such a warm and giving person and it's time life gave you something back in return.
Don't forget to focus on 3rd September because your Angels are only doing it for you. XX

Emmie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Emmie said...

Wonderfully written as always Em. I find your blog great to read and I love the fact you always update it (unlike a certain person not far from here who is rubbish at updating hers...) Keep your head held high sweetie, I know you are gonna get those new lungs soon...you've got too much determination not to. I sure wouldn't want to be God if you got to the pearly gates without them, wearing the sulkiest grumpiest face ever haha ;o)
Love you lots xxxxxxx

P.S. Ooops that was me who deleted the comment because of a spelling mistake!

Charlotte said...

Chickpea, I found that quite therapeutic I have to say. This life is a funny old thing to get your head around, and I awoke this morning feeling a little puzzled at it all I have to admit. I'm from the other side of the fence as it were, and the prospect of losing someone you love never gets easiar...like being slapped repeatedly around the chops with a very large, very wet kipper; it hurts, and it just doesn't make sense. Your words tap exactly into that fragility, how vulnerable we feel. Your beautiful honesty gives strength, keep it coming. Laughter really does soothe those worry lines I'm accumulating-I thank you for this, might save me from botox hehe. Love always Em.
Char xxxx

Sasha said...

Hey Miss Strong from Strongland,
another fab post from you. Sounds like a top meal out with your family.....yummy to the lobster, ouch to Daddy's wallet!
That call is going to come my sweetie, I know it. It may very well come from someone whose life you touched through one of your brilliant interviews.
With oooooooooodles of love, sweetiebobbles, giant liquorice allsorts, and all the lobster in the sea,
Sasha xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jac said...

Ah well Emily, you know I am also a great believer in the use of humour at seemingly inappropriate moments ;-)

So glad to hear you ventured out of the hospital and ate something a bit more sensible than sweetiebobbles and christmas cake, lol!

Take care and keep getting better please!

lots of love
jac xx

Sarah Milne said...

A lovely entry Emily. I'm glad you had a lovely evening - I think I know just the place and we have had many contemplative times there too over William. It's good that you can think all this through and share it here. It is amazing what you have just been through and have overcome. I was so at pleased how well you looked on Wednesday.
Take great care of yourself and let that lovely family of yours treat you and look after you all they like. You all deserve some special and happy times!
lots of love, as always
Sarah xxx

James said...

What a difference two weeks makes! :D I'm pleased that you have been venturing out and that you had a lovely meal with your family. Keep up the restingness. Best always, James xxxx

Anonymous said...

Reading your blogs has given me a slightly differnt look on life, i have seen things from a different view.
I'm glad to hear that your up and about with your family and friends around you is thee best way to be.

James said...

Nice pics of Miss Em and the strong family of strongland :)

~ James xxxx

Anonymous said...

Bloomin heck missy! lobster! and after all those haribo. I'm so pleased you had a wonderful time out. The wonderful Thackray family will never disappoint.You all give Popeye a run for his money. A really beautifully written blog Em. Touching and honest. I think it does us all good to realise and remember that each moment has a kaleidoscope of emotions and that could be a good thing. You carry on being so strong and positive, the many people who love you will be doing the same. You'll get that call.Wow I love my cheese!
It was wonderful to see you and hopefully we'll be up again soon.
Love you lots
Alice
xXx

Music_Mad_Nic said...

glad to hear that your up and about
i bet that nice meal beats hospital food anyday lol
keep strong & keep blogging

xx

Nic x. said...

Yay for a lovely meal outside of hospital,I better not tell my Mum you had lobster,she would be sooo jealous lol ;) I love reading your blog,it always makes me smile:)

Head up young person,and muchly hugs.

Anders said...

Hi Emily! Your blogs are fantastic! It's just so interesting to read your blogs, they are wonderfully human(i hope you know what i mean). Full of all the emotions under the sun, completely honest and glittered with humour throughout. You should be writing a book Em, i'm serious!

Don't forget to focus on September the 3rd, its my birthday!;):p I also hear you're doing some run that day???:D:p xx

Nelly said...

hey glad ur feeling so much better emily, keep fighting!! ur doing a great job and are so inspirational (is that a word? you know what i mean anyway!) to others :) thank you hugss

Anna B said...

Hello!

Spoke to the bride to be who filled me in on your recent escapades! Just wanted to say wishing you loads of love and hugs, hopefully i'll be able to give you that hug in person at the wedding! Your blogs are fab just like the author.

Loving your work!

anna x x x

Anonymous said...

You amaze me. You absolutly amaze me. If I get a calling card, may I call?? -breath_seeker-
http://www.fightingtobreathe.com
(still under major construction)

And if you have anything you'd like to contribute to the site hun feel free.. at the rate everyone is giving things to me to use.. it will be a major cf site soon..

If you don't mind, can I put you on my dedications page? give me a good photo and maybe write a bit about yourself for everyone to see.. I know I am sure as bloody hell linking to livelifethengivelife..