Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Rather exciting day today, after a satisfactory X-ray yesterday which showed my right lung has paused in its slow dance up and down my chest cavity, we made the quick decision to pounce on this opportunity, and after my 2pm IVs we escaped…and I went home for the afternoon.

It’s funny because technically I didn’t do anything different, I lay around, only on a sofa at my parents, (and later my very own pink bed which I was so so so so happy about) and had things brought to me and ate food and lay about a bit more, but oh my goodness that feeling of being at home, it was just bliss. It is a tricky thing, talking myself into a day out, because as much as half of me is desperate to get home for a bit, the other half is frightened, what if my lung suddenly decides to fall down? There aren't nurses and doctors everywhere, what if I get too tired and puffy? The hospital is safe, suddenly home doesn't seem so. Credit to my mother and A who conveniently ignored all of my hissy fits this morning (the phone calls which when they were asking about timings etc I was pouting and saying through naughty clenched teeth “I don’t like anything” in the most agreeable manner) and instead continued with arrangements to have me brought home, the back of the car loaded up with pink pillows so travelling just like any princess ought to.

After resting at my parents for a while, A and I decided to go home. I must admit I half didn’t want to. The last time I left the house, I was on a stretcher heading into an ambulance over a month ago, and there is nothing like being right back in the place of an event to bring the memories flooding back. As we pulled up on the driveway and everything looked the same – same roses fading slowly now in the flowerbeds, same next doors cat curled up under next doors car – I felt quite calm, and was pleased to notice how improved my walking was compared to the wedding last week (although I wasn’t wearing 4 inch high heeled sandals this time which may have had something to do with it).

We went inside and I headed straight for the bedroom, as I didn’t go in there after my lung went down. I sat down on the bed, fine. A went to the car, fine. He popped to the kitchen, and I burst into tears. It hit me so fast I didn’t realise at first why, but it was everything, remembering how scared I was as we left in the ambulance, remembering the thought crossing my mind in ICU that I might not ever go home again, and then just relief, relief that this big step is finally here.

After the 30 seconds of tears (I am getting fairly well practiced at stopping myself quickly as it makes it so much harder to breathe it is just silly!) that moment was over, and I just lay on my pink bed taking in how nice it was to be back in my (oops I mean our) room. The sunlight was streaming in through the window and it was just gorgeous! There is so much to appreciate which is right under your nose and yet most of us go looking for stuff which is probably why the search seems never ending, you are just looking in the wrong places. Apparently I cannot articulate the feeling of a big dose of normality so think I will stop trying.

Having thought I would probably manage a few hours, I returned to the hospital tired (well asleep in the back of the car) but happy at 9pm. It has really given me a wake-up as well, and I will be back pushing myself a bit more with things tomorrow. I have been lying around a lot this week, since Harefield I suppose, still doing my daily walks, but in a slight malaise. I will forgive myself slightly as my inflammation markers (which should be below 10) are topping 200 at present, so I’m not 100% (as my mother pointed out with a look of wisdom the other day, why she is not a doctor is beyond me...) but still I could be making more of an effort to help myself and shall start tomorrow. More walking, more physio, onwards and upwards!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting Check me out being smiley sitting on my bed with wet but clean hair yay!


Emmie said...

Oh poppet! I am SOOO happy to see that cheeky smiley face in your pink bedroom again :o) I've been chatting away to you and never realised you'd even been out the hospital today! You must have been exhausted when you got back. I'm so glad you've bridged that first "going back to a place of bad memories" thing. You are such a poppet. I'm getting like your Mum and wanting to carry you around on a cushion LOL. Gutted I can't see you on Friday, I'm gonna try not to think about it cos I'll get upset as I miss you loads. Anyway, like you I will focus on the positive and look forward to hopefully being able to see you in a couple of weeks :D
Tons of love
Emma xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

Hello there. Just wanted to wish you the best of luck in your battle. With your positive attitude, surely you will win this one hands down! I ran across your blog last week, following trails from my daughter's blog (she's your age)and I've been visiting ever since to see how you are doing.
Take care.

Anonymous said...

Emily so good to hear you managed to get home even for a little while escape all hustle & bustles of hospital life!

Lovely pic of you smiling :D

Sending you positive vibes & lots virtual (((hugz)))

Sure an emotional time for you -understandable and 'quite normal' reactions too.

Which hosp are you in @ mo?
anyhow take care always lovely to read and update your blog.

Hope you like the e cards have sent you? ;)

Elaine & Rach :D xx

Anonymous said...

Em, don't be so hard on yourself. All of your feelings are entirely justified. You are still amazing and I look forward to seeing you at home again very soon.. xxxxx

Jac said...

Woo! Thats one giant step forwards! I can imagine how emotional the whole event would be, but I'm sure with a little time, home will seem a lot less scary. It will be no time at all before you are settled back in your pink palace! Glad you are also feeling a bit motivated on the exercise front...but rememember and listen to your wee body,as your mum wisely said 'your not quite 100%!'
love and higs
Jac xx

Anonymous said...

Hi Emily,
This is splendid news indeed
I'm so happy you managed to escape to a bit of normality for a few hours...

My mum actually had the same thing with me after I was diagnosed w/kidney failure, she said she always knew there was something seriously up but didnt want to tell me...

Anyway, I really hope you can return to normality forever soon,


Simba said...

The only word that is appropriate here is a big fat capital-lettered YAYAYAY!

Well done Miss Smiley, you're doing just great. :) xx

Anonymous said...

Hey Emy

So glad to hear that you managed to get home for a bit, i am so proud of you.
Was lovely to see you on Sat and i cant wait to see you next week.
Love you loads

Emma H

Anonymous said...

Emily.. just got back online after a mad few days (although nowhere near as eventful as yours!!!) and have read last few postings at once.

Ok, if it suits you, you're not 'brave'... you are, instead, Amazing, Fab, Inspirational and Lovely.

So stick those in your IV tube and live with 'em! ;o)

Words fail me (this happens v.occasionally) re the Harefield dash.. but think you have TOTALLY the right attitude in the way you are dealing with it. Here's to the next call! *cheers*

So glad you got home to your own familiar pinkness. What does Adam think of all that pink??!

Loads of love and apologies for the crude 'competition entries' (re up and down lungs) of both myself and hubby on the comments a few postings down. It's your own fault..;o).. and we clearly are not alone with out gutter-minds, with with the Sven ones and all.. :o)

All my love xxxx

Anonymous said...

Yay so pleased you managed to get home for a bit the other day and relax in familiar pink surroundings! Wishing you a speedy recovery and hope you are back again home really soon.

Lots of love to you sweetie, thinking of you.

Lisa xxxxxx

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you got home for a while,and YAAAAAAAY everything went well.It's a huge step in the right direction,and of course it will be overwhelming at first but fingers crossed you will be home in no time :)
Don't beat yourself up about lying about,I do that all the time lol.Actually your blog is making me think I should really get off my lazy bum.

Muchly hugs xxx

Anonymous said...

So very pleased that you were able to escape for a day, and to see a very shiny happy (and very pink!) picture. It's always so nice to get out for a bit when cooped up in hospital, but your current stay has dwarfed anything that I've known myself!

Well done Em, and keep smiling (bouts of pouty-ness notwithstanding)! All the best,


Music_Mad_Nic said...

YAY im soooo please that you were able to visit home again!

looking very smiley in your picture there, and i love your pink bed!!

take care and dont push yourslef too far


Anonymous said...

I so love that picture em , you look fab hun , great you got home for a few hours, everything is going to work out sweetie, lots of love Maryb xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx