Saturday, September 22, 2007

Robyn’s funeral was yesterday. It was a beautiful ceremony, but I was just filled with aching sadness throughout. I was determined to be brave but as soon as the cars pulled up the tears started to flow. I was on my own but a few of her friends were fantastic and looked after me, in spite of their own grief. Her family were indescribably brave, filled with dignity, coming over and saying hello, and even thanked me, when all I felt is that I failed.

I am fully aware that I could never have saved Robyn all on my own, but I think with Live Life Then Give Life’s recent successes (Peter, Lisa, myself) I have been on a bit of an over confident streak, that things have turned around. Losing Robyn was a blow to us all, and watching all her friends yesterday clearly a shock to everyone who knew her.

On a truly personal level (this is my blog so if I can’t state it here where can I) two new things happened today. For the first time I experienced survivors guilt. Watching someone who could have and should have been in my position, been where I am standing now. It coursed through me, stinging from head to toe, why was I still here when Robyn wasn’t? It made me ache and her family’s gentle kindness made it even more so.

The other peculiar thing was that I got to see my “alternate ending”. This is what would have been the end of my story if it wasn’t for that one person making a decision. I couldn’t help but relate things I saw back to myself – the friends, the parents, the long-term boyfriend – and it was strange seeing what could have been.

I came home cross and tired. Cross with myself, cross with life, still tearful at the loss of a life that need never have gone. I ached for her family to get her back, for this to be some sort of Hollywood movie where then they turn back time and show what can happen if you change things, but Robyn is gone, another life lost due to the shortage of organ donors.

As I left, Robyn’s mum hugged me and as she was squeezing me tight whispered “don’t forget how precious your life is.” Which will be the key thing I try to take away from yesterday and I hope blog readers will too.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry about the loss of robyn, it's very clear seant alot to you Emily. I've felt that pain many times before with loosing friends and feeling guilty that I'm still here and there're not, even though I'm not on the TX list and have really good lungs.
i wish I could help take your pain away and that robyn was still here but sadly i can't.
Remember your life is a gift and robyn would want you to carry on fighting for those who are left behind waiting for a TX
Thinking of you

Anonymous said...

Very moving words, amd more so because of the contrast between this entry and your previous one about last weekend.

Yet more inspiration to keep on advertising the organ donor register, if any were needed, and also to enjoy life whilst you can.

love Deb

Kayz said...

Oh hun I am lost for words for once, my heart goes out to Robyn's family and friends.

I can only send you huge amounts of love and hugs.

You are such a precious friend


Jackie said...

Emily I am so glad I have read your blog today. My Emily died two years ago last Monday and every day I have had to go to work at the same place where she died. My heart has been aching and my legs shaking every day I walk down those corridors. So many times this week I have though I would be better with Emily knowing that someone is looking after her - but thanks to your blog I know that I cannot. My boys are here and they need their mum - thank you for showing me what I have and how precious life really is. With love and best wishes - Emily Gorman's mum

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to say, except that I am so sorry that you have lost a dear friend, and that Robyn's family have lost such a special person. You have not failed, Em, not at all...without all the hard work that you, Emmie and Oli have put into (and continue to put into) the Live Life then Give Life campaign your "alternate ending" would be the case for so many more people. I am just sorry that Robyn's call didn't come in time.
Love and hugs xxx

misdee said...

oh em :(

we have also been there too. its so so hard.

i cant thank you enough for all the support, you + co have given us over the last 2.5years. i have a couple of things to blog as well, as yesterday i met two new VAD patients, and found it quite hard.

i wish there was more we can do to help. i really do.

Anonymous said...

Sooo emotional reading your blog.
Really must have ben sad to have lost such a wonderful friend.
It does make you appreciate life and yesterday proved that taking Rach to Uni for her first time never thought that day would arrive and is only possible from such a wonderful 'gift of life'2years anniversary tomorrow.So proud and VERY greatful.

We are all just so greatful to the donor/family and cannot thank them enough but have passed on our appreciateion and eternally greatful to them.As a family it has made such differences to all of us as a family too.

May Robyn rest in peace and jsut so sad that yet another life lost....Our thoughts and prayers to her family & friends.

(((hugz))) Elaine xx

Anonymous said...

very sorry to hear about robyn, but u mustlive your life to the full, you musnt feel guilty, you have done so much for people.
dont feel guilty

suzie said...

God bless Robyn and I'll be thinking about her family and friends over the coming months, they sound like a lovely bunch of people who will have made her proud with the dignity they showed when saying bye to her.

From a personal point of view what helps me day in and day out is to see the likes of you and Lisa who are living life and enjoying every minute.

Dont be hard on yourself hun, just keep doing what you do now.


Anonymous said...

So sad to read about Robyn.

Em, you have made a difference - you list yourself, Peter and Lisa as 'survivors' having lost Robyn - that's 75% success, which is an improvement of the generally quoted 50-50 transplant list rate.

Keep campaigning!

Anonymous said...

It is terrible to lose people who are close to you - especially when they are young. Try and take comfort in your family and friends - i am sure Robyn would want you to be looking forward to your future.
Life is a lottery and not everyone can win

Anonymous said...

hey emi! havent commented in a while bcos i havent really known what to say. i found this blog quite emotional and it just painted a little picture for me. your words always do.

my thoughts are with robyns family and friends. by the sound of it heaven's gained another angel.

emi keep doing what your doing. you always have been and always will be an inspiration. sending lots of big hugs. x x