Tuesday, September 25, 2007

And life goes on...

Thank you for your lovely messages and emails of support, as always you are a rather lovely bunch. When writing our campaign blog on myspace I entitled it “down but not defeated”. Life can be hard, but if I had let that stop me in the past I wouldn’t still be here. Plus it’s always harder for someone else, for example Robyn’s family and closest friends, and they are still going. I continued to feel quite down after writing that blog until Saturday when I sat with tears streaming down my face with A trying to soothe me. I spouted a rather childish “it’s not fair” followed by “I couldn’t save her” both of which were somewhat daft things to say. As always (annoyingly) A was very logical about the whole thing, pointing out gently that it doesn’t matter how hard I campaign, I won’t be able to save everyone.

That’s the key thing really isn’t it? If I want to pursue this as a line of work (and I do, I love helping people and I think I’m quite good at it) then I need to be able to cope and carry on. Also it is extremely important that I take that vital thing that Robyn’s mum said away with me; remember how precious your life is, and use that to ensure I keep a good balance.

On Friday night I went out to celebrate two 25th birthdays. As I was sitting chatting to my friend I realised the last time I had been present at one of her birthday celebrations was her 18th. After that she went to uni, then I went, then I was too ill. Yet now I was able to go along and celebrate with them and eat a rather huge burger from the Gourmet Burger kitchen which I made such a terrible mess of I had to carve up with my knife and fork to salvage it. Saturday night I was out again, this time up in Covent Garden sampling various cocktails.

My daddy and I went shopping late last night (I had to get petrol and milk and it was dark and there were wolves after me etc) and as we walked out of the supermarket having dashed around to get a few bits my dad said “do you ever stand there in the queue at the checkout and want to turn round to the people behind you and say “this time last year this would have been impossible!” it’s funny, I often get that feeling, it’s more whenever I suddenly realise I am doing something for the first time or something that would have taken so much effort and been so draining. I want to turn round and squeal “look at me I did it!!” and shout out with glee (the word glee is not used enough in my opinion).

For me life is good. I am lucky, am here, am alive, am living it. So I am getting off the computer and going out now to enjoy it some more. Have a great day.


Anonymous said...

Em i love reading your blogs , you really make me smile nobody makes better use of the english language than you do , i'm glad you are feeling better - the only way to get through the bad stuff is to look for the good stuff xxxx lots of love - shelley nunan

Anonymous said...

em i think that whenevr you feel like shouting with glee you should, nd i uy get funny looks then just explain y u r so happy-it cud be very good publicity for organ donation

BreathinSteven said...

Hi Emily!

I agree with Shelley about your use of the English language... I don't know how many times I've read your posts and find myself sobbing, and other times with a smile ear to ear and filled with glee!

I hope you do get into this line of work -- and I agree that you're quite good at helping people -- but don't change. You said you need to cope and carry on -- but you do that, and I think you do it well. We can never not be hurt when someone as precious as Robyn passes on. And it's NOT fair...

I've said this before, and I believe it -- that life isn't fair or unfair, Emily -- Life just is. Life just happens... We're all given a battle plan in life - and some of us, like Robyn and you, seem to draw much more difficult assignments than others. But we all fight with the spirit we're given. Through you, I've admired Robyn's spirit -- and I admire yours.

I've experienced that "survivors guilt" that you spoke of too -- and the feeling of "why couldn't I save" him or her... But I think you cope much better than you imagine, Emily -- and I think those feelings give you the gentle passion reflected in everything you write here...

And your Daddy sounds an awful lot like mine -- mine passed while I was waiting -- he so wanted to see me like I am now, and I have little doubt he would have made the same observation in a queue in a store (but I would have probably been already talking to the person behind me...) Give him a hug for me...



Anonymous said...

yup bet at times feel like shouting from roof tops etc about your transplant and making most of life etc .

Rach having fab time at Uni and freshers fayre Uk Transplant doing organ donation superman promotion etc at Uni Rach is at. Rach gona pop along and see if can help out possibly. Just feel that giving 'something back ' toso many that have helped Rach and made it possible for her to get to Uni never thought teh day would come. So proud and other students been inquisitive asking Rach about her kidney transplant and 'its good to talk' to speread the word of organ donation' to hopefully help others' lie yourself and Rach and many many more of our friends too etc.

Really does make you appreciate life simple things etc and not take things and events for granted. Missing Rach so much @Unihguzt all of us but eternally greatful for such a'wondeful gift'.

luv & hugz 2 u and your family and friends 'go girl' ;)

Elaien Rach & family :D

Lorraine said...

Em - Your right, you can't save everyone, but you have more than likely saved many many lives with your Campaign and the awareness you have raised. I feel just the same as you when I hear of another life lost because of CF - I wish there was more I could do - it drives me mad sometimes thinking that "if only" and "what if". This world needs people like you in it - a Doer - the world sometimes sadly appears to be full of "can't do". Much love, as always, xxx

Anonymous said...

Em, the thing most of us want is a true friend and that's what you are to many. You can't save everyone which is very difficult i know but all those people had you as a friend who cared and understood the fight they were fighting.
It's so heartbreaking when we loose friends and i understand where your coming from as i felt the same when my CF friends have passed away.
Remember those you've lost with love( as I know you do) and keep fighting for those who need a voice and are still with us
Thinking of you

Anonymous said...

Just dropping by and thoguht i would celebrate your new lungs.