Saturday, December 29, 2007

So Christmas is over; I hope everyone had a fantastic one…mine certainly was. It’s funny, I was going to write about all the wonderful and amazing things I did this Christmas, but then I sat and reread last years blog and it’s pretty much identical! Except this time, I could actually participate rather than be a spectator. I was able to join in when I wanted, eat when I wanted, get up and sit down when I wanted, talk, sing carols, open presents…basically everything that had been so very hard and restricted last year was suddenly an open and easy option to me.

Its times like this – when I am repeating actions carried out with old lungs – that it brings home to me just what a struggle it really was. I remember Christmas dinner so vividly last year; within about 4 mouthfuls I was so tired and out of breath I lay down on the sofa again. Last year by the time I had had a shower and washed my hair, I was so exhausted I wanted to cry. Don’t get me wrong, I had an amazing Christmas last year, but it took a hell of a lot of effort. And this years was just so…easy. I can't describe how lucky I feel.

On Boxing Day, it was me who was insisting that we go on the traditional “we’ve eaten too much let’s try to feign some exercise to make ourselves feel better” walk. We strolled briskly down the road and I was grinning from ear to ear – a task that in childhood was resented as our parents made us go (it was warmer inside), which then as I grew older became almost impossible, which was now accessible to me once again.

I had a teary moment on Christmas morning when thinking of a family somewhere waking up for their first Christmas without a loved one, but hoped that they can take some small comfort knowing I am alive to see another Christmas thanks to their generosity of spirit. 31st December 2006 I sat with tears streaming down my cheeks as Big Ben struck midnight – tears of relief at still being alive, of fear of the unknown, of sadness of what might be ahead in 2007 should nothing change. I cannot even begin to fathom how I will feel this year…but I know I shall be out partying somewhere as no matter how huge it is emotionally it is cause for a huge celebration. This is a New Year I genuinely didn’t think I’d see.

And now here we are – a mere 6 days before my very first transplantaversary. I am very excited but already get quite emotional thinking about it. It was the beginning of one of the most difficult struggles in my life so far, but the start of a whole new chapter for me to embark on. Whilst a new door was opening for me, someone else’s was closing, and it does get to me more and more the nearer we get to the big day. Such a whirlpool of emotions. I have written on here more than once about how there is no “sad” or “happy” event – merely a mixture of everything in different quantities and my transplantaversary will be no different.

9 comments:

L said...

xxxx

suzie said...

xxx
From me too, an a (((HUG)))

MoO said...

Big hugs and kisses to help you along your way!

Happy New NewYear!

Love Gilly xx

Milesofsmiles said...

What a Christmas it has been for you this year Em! I totally see where your coming from with the uncertainties for 2008 but with your amazing attitude and zest for life I'm sure it will be a year filled with great things for you hun. Happy New year!!! xxxxxxxxxxx

Milesofsmiles said...

Oops I forgot to leave you lots of love sprinkled wth fairy dust! And a big hug! xxxxxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

You've summed up the last 3 Christmases and New Years for me Emily. It is a truly emotional time, and I am also so grateful to be here, alive and kicking. Struggling a little bit. But all in all, a whole new world is out there.

Take care, lots and lots of love

Pauline :)

Katie H said...

So glad to hear that you had such a lovely Christmas, so well deserved. At Midnight Mass I lit a candle for the family of your donor and another one for the family of Oli's donor. Here's wishing you and A all the very best for 2008. Take care, Katie

Katie H said...

So glad to hear that you had such a lovely Christmas, so well deserved. At Midnight Mass I lit a candle for the family of your donor and another one for the family of Oli's donor. Here's wishing you and A all the very best for 2008. Take care, Katie

Jac said...

So glad to hear you had a good Christmas:-)

Will be thinking of you and your donor on your 'transplantaversary'. Hard to believe it's been a year already!

higs
xxx