Thursday, January 03, 2008

Happy New Year all!

What a fantastic New Year it was. We danced the night away, and it's only as I was on my way home that I realised for the first time in years... I didn't cry. It surprised me as I genuinely expected the usual tears to flow, as it has been a year and a half to say the least.

I am full of mixed emotions as tomorrow draws nearer. I didn't sleep last night, although I wasn't aware of anything being on my mind. I have been running round like a headless chicken for the last 24 hours; I think it's something to do with me trying to prove to myself that I am making the most of this amazing gift that I was given almost a year ago. I worked really hard at the gym both yesterday and today - I want to show myself how much life has changed.

Hundreds of emotions seem to be flooding through, many of which are taking me totally by surprise. The below letter is a result of some of these feelings, it's a bit strange I know, and as I say I didn't expect to miss them, but there you go, the human brain is a weird and wonderful thing...

To my old lungs…

It’s been almost a year since you and I went our separate ways. As the anniversary draws near I am finding the most unexpected feelings and emotions are welling up – ones I didn’t even know I had.

It’s almost a feeling of grief that you have gone. I mean I don’t miss your terribly naughty attention seeking antics or life-threatening stunts, but you were quite literally a part of me, and we spent 22 years together, and during that time you worked damn hard.

I guess what drove me to write this is the feeling that you never get thanked. You are always painted as the bad guys and are the sole things which were merely disposed of as soon as the opportunity arose. And yes you definitely well and truly needed replacing but you exceeded all expectations in your capabilities of getting me through things. When breathing seemed so hard as to almost be impossible you kept on going, working hard to keep me alive till I got the call for your replacement, for new lungs.

You overcame the greatest atrocities that CF brought your way – surpassed obstacles that no one thought you could. I remember more than once hearing “This is too much for even Emily to bounce back from” and fearing they might be right, but even when things got so bleak my family were rushed to my bedside in the early hours, you carried on working, out of stubbornness if nothing else. You were a part of me, went through everything with me for 22 years, cried, laughed, sung, shouted with me, and fought back against everything that CF threw your way.

Nearly a year since you became superfluous – thank you for 22 years of magnificent service.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

To your old lungs. May they rest in peace.

Audrey xx

Katie H said...

Happy New Year Emily, and happy first birthday to your new lungs for tomorrow. What a difference a year makes heh? And what a lovely letter to your old lungs. K x

BreathinSteven said...

Gosh, I love reading your thoughts...

And you're so right about your old lungs -- you wouldn't be Emily without those old lungs... You wouldn't be who you are today... Those old lungs gave you an incredible gift -- and they gave all of us you.

And you made me feel the same about my old lungs...

You take care, Emily -- Happy New Years!!! And happy re-birthday to your beautiful new lungs...

Love,

Steve

Anonymous said...

happy aniversary to new lungs for tomorrow!! glad you had a good christmas etc
lots of loe
jennie
xxx

Jos said...

You got your new lungs cause you deserved them Em. You help others through your thoughts and blog. GO GIRL GO. Wishing you many more years of Happiness and Good Health.

Love

Jos (Malta) xx

Anonymous said...

Such a wonderful'gift' 1year on -2moro.Be thinking of you sure mixed emotions etc and also thoughts for donor/family etc. Hope that they find 'some comfort' in knowing thei loved one ahs helped people in soo many ways to fulfill dreams healh love and happiness....

Thinking of you all 2moro especially prayers love and hapiness always..........

(((((HUGZ))))) Elaine Rach and family xx
ps please also say a special hello to your husband and family for being 'there for you through such difficuilt times.
You truly are an inspiration to soooo many Emily xx

suzie said...

Oh wow this post made some impact on me Em, I've heard these words before and recognise some of what you're feeling albeit second hand.

I'm not really one for being serious in public without adding a bit of humour but on this occasion I think I'll leave it out.

Have a super time tomorrow night and if you ever ever need a natter....call me, d'you hear.

Lorra love.
xxx

Anonymous said...

There are so many sides to everyone's story - you use words so well that we can all understand what you mean and where you are coming from - hope today is as happy as it can be.
With love
Lindy

Cory said...

Happy TX anniversary!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Congrats on one year post transplant poppit!!! I had the same odd emotions when I reached a year too.

*hugs tight* I wish the best for you, and pray that everything goes beyond what you ever dreamed of!

-Breath_seeker

Alice said...

It's so true about your old lungs. I also have mixed emotions about mine, they give me so much crap, but it's not their fault! So happy for you!

annemac101 said...

I'm crying again Emily,your letter to your lungs was so true they did serve you as well as they could while being ravaged by that horrible cf disease.
Happy 1st anniversary to you and your new lungs and may they serve you well for a long long time .love Annex

annemac101 said...

I'm crying again Emily,your letter to your lung is just great and all true they served you as best they could while horrible cf was ravaging them .
Happy ist anniversary to you and your new lungs may they serve you well .
love Annex