Isn’t it funny how when it comes to the crunch, all the stuff which is actually most vital for your comfort and your happiness are the little bits and pieces of life which are completely inane and you take for granted every day. The things I yearned for in hospital and am so happy now doing are simple things like lying around watching a film with my feet up on A (am a total couch hogger) and days like today, where I went to my parents house to have lunch with Dad and Abby. True to his top daddy “I like to indulge my naughty princess of a daughter” status, I was presented with steak baguettes for my lunch (I remember demanding these on several occasions in the hospital, predominantly at completely unreasonable times such as 11pm when clearly none could be purchased or located for love nor money). We then sat around flicking through photo albums of holidays over the years and chatting and laughing about them. I love reminiscing as I have a notoriously bad memory (as anyone who has turned up to visit me only to have me greet them with a look of complete surprise can confirm) but memories are one of my secret weapons for when things get tough, so I need reminding of them every so often. I am lucky and have a rich abundance of memories in which to hide in from years and years of fantastic experiences. Holiday wise we have traveled all over the place as a family, meaning now I am in a position where I can’t go anywhere (literally, I have to be within a few hours of Harefield Hospital at all times) it is ok because I have a travel brochures worth to work through in my head.
I am sure I have said this before, but I think it is so so important to go out and do things now, rather than putting things off. I am lucky because I don’t really have many “what ifs” and that is mainly down to my family. My dad summed it up today really when we were talking about going to Florida. I remember how excited I was when my parents sat us all down and asked us how we would like to go to Disneyland that year (I was 14 I think). Apparently this decision was provoked by the prospect of our family hitting some financial difficulty, and because of this potential cloud looming, my parents decided to take us on a huge luxury child orientated holiday. What a great way to tackle an impending crisis, and I think (and hope) that mentality has been passed down from my parents to me. If dark clouds are looming, go out and dance in the remaining sunshine with even more vigour!
Having said that I had a bit of a lack of confidence yesterday, A and I decided to go and feed the ducks when he got home from work as the sun was rather gorgeous and low in the sky (I do love winter sunshine it is just so beautiful). We pulled up about 60 yards from the pond, next to a pub with a beer garden, and looking at the group of men who were roughly my age, I suddenly felt very insecure about unpacking the wheelchair just to get as far as the waters edge, yet knew I didn’t have enough puff to reach it by foot. Stupidly intimidated by this, I decided to propose completely irrational ideas, such as driving to the opposite field and winding down the window in the hope that the ducks would have telescopic vision and come flocking to the car-side in an orderly queue. Weirdly A didn’t seem to think this would work, and we drove away, bread still in the bag, ducks unfed. Now normally when confronted with something which makes me feel less than pink I like to run at it headfirst whooping loudly in order to scare it into submission, but for some reason I couldn’t quite muster the energy yesterday. I felt a little sad and cross with myself for sudden complete lack of confidence but hopefully it was a one off, and probably stems from having been away from the real world for so long (I don’t feel like such a weirdo in hospital as there are many others sporting whiskers (my oxygen nasal specs) or masks. Am not overly concerned with this sudden self consciousness, my mother is off on half term next week and I am fairly certain the mere mention of "shopping" when coupled with "new shoes" will quickly override all such feelings.
I would like to leave you with a task if you please (and you thought reading this blog was just a mindless past time…). Emmie has put a great deal of time and effort into making a slideshow (with music and everything, she is such a clever girly) to encourage people to sign up to the donor register. Please click here, watch it, (all feedback welcome) and then forward it to everyone you know. You can also rate us on you tube by clicking here. Thank you muchly.
4 weeks ago