Saturday, October 14, 2006

Isn’t it funny how when it comes to the crunch, all the stuff which is actually most vital for your comfort and your happiness are the little bits and pieces of life which are completely inane and you take for granted every day. The things I yearned for in hospital and am so happy now doing are simple things like lying around watching a film with my feet up on A (am a total couch hogger) and days like today, where I went to my parents house to have lunch with Dad and Abby. True to his top daddy “I like to indulge my naughty princess of a daughter” status, I was presented with steak baguettes for my lunch (I remember demanding these on several occasions in the hospital, predominantly at completely unreasonable times such as 11pm when clearly none could be purchased or located for love nor money). We then sat around flicking through photo albums of holidays over the years and chatting and laughing about them. I love reminiscing as I have a notoriously bad memory (as anyone who has turned up to visit me only to have me greet them with a look of complete surprise can confirm) but memories are one of my secret weapons for when things get tough, so I need reminding of them every so often. I am lucky and have a rich abundance of memories in which to hide in from years and years of fantastic experiences. Holiday wise we have traveled all over the place as a family, meaning now I am in a position where I can’t go anywhere (literally, I have to be within a few hours of Harefield Hospital at all times) it is ok because I have a travel brochures worth to work through in my head.

I am sure I have said this before, but I think it is so so important to go out and do things now, rather than putting things off. I am lucky because I don’t really have many “what ifs” and that is mainly down to my family. My dad summed it up today really when we were talking about going to Florida. I remember how excited I was when my parents sat us all down and asked us how we would like to go to Disneyland that year (I was 14 I think). Apparently this decision was provoked by the prospect of our family hitting some financial difficulty, and because of this potential cloud looming, my parents decided to take us on a huge luxury child orientated holiday. What a great way to tackle an impending crisis, and I think (and hope) that mentality has been passed down from my parents to me. If dark clouds are looming, go out and dance in the remaining sunshine with even more vigour!

Having said that I had a bit of a lack of confidence yesterday, A and I decided to go and feed the ducks when he got home from work as the sun was rather gorgeous and low in the sky (I do love winter sunshine it is just so beautiful). We pulled up about 60 yards from the pond, next to a pub with a beer garden, and looking at the group of men who were roughly my age, I suddenly felt very insecure about unpacking the wheelchair just to get as far as the waters edge, yet knew I didn’t have enough puff to reach it by foot. Stupidly intimidated by this, I decided to propose completely irrational ideas, such as driving to the opposite field and winding down the window in the hope that the ducks would have telescopic vision and come flocking to the car-side in an orderly queue. Weirdly A didn’t seem to think this would work, and we drove away, bread still in the bag, ducks unfed. Now normally when confronted with something which makes me feel less than pink I like to run at it headfirst whooping loudly in order to scare it into submission, but for some reason I couldn’t quite muster the energy yesterday. I felt a little sad and cross with myself for sudden complete lack of confidence but hopefully it was a one off, and probably stems from having been away from the real world for so long (I don’t feel like such a weirdo in hospital as there are many others sporting whiskers (my oxygen nasal specs) or masks. Am not overly concerned with this sudden self consciousness, my mother is off on half term next week and I am fairly certain the mere mention of "shopping" when coupled with "new shoes" will quickly override all such feelings.

I would like to leave you with a task if you please (and you thought reading this blog was just a mindless past time…). Emmie has put a great deal of time and effort into making a slideshow (with music and everything, she is such a clever girly) to encourage people to sign up to the donor register. Please click here, watch it, (all feedback welcome) and then forward it to everyone you know. You can also rate us on you tube by clicking here. Thank you muchly.


Anonymous said...

Slideshow's marvellous.

Confidence will come, we all lose it from time to time.

Enjoy shoe shopping, and take lots of good care of yourself.

Think pink! xx

Anonymous said...

Slideshow really does get across the need for more people to join organ donor list etc and to inform family friends etc and spread the word.

Be nice to go back n feed those ducks if you can n let the sunshine too. :D

Just been to see Riverdance at Bristol was such fab show and lovely time out n about.:D

Oh shopping how can a girl possibly refuse?. go girl!!! lol :D

(((((hugz))))) Elaine Rach & all.

ps Rach is doing 2 presentations at school next week to spread the word about organ donation to fellow pupils.

Anonymous said...

Hi Emily,
Thinkyour aloud days when you lack confidence. I still wont answer the oor with my nasal specs on.. silly I know as its me that suffers.. Sounds like you are enjoying your freedom though.. Good for you! and Shopping sounds like some retail therapy mayb just what you need!
As for the task I did that the other day.. I sent to everyone and asked for them to send it on to and so that has been done.. I agree its a fantastic slide show

xx Sandy xx

Nicola said...

I can guarantee that some shoe shopping will be the perfect remedy for instilling a bit of confidence-trust me I'm the shoe queen ;)

Seriously though,take things slowly.My confidence is always at rock bottom even if I've only been in hospital for a week,so you are entitled to be a little less confident after almost 6 weeks in there.

Lots of Jimmy Choo hugs xxx.

Anonymous said...

Hiya Emily

Sounds like retail therapy is just what you need. And please don't worry about the lack of confidence as we all have those times. Take it slow and steady and you will get there girl.
The slideshow is fabulous and I have left the message on a craft message board and got some promises to spread the word and put the links on blogs etc.
Take care

Michelle/Angel from KPG

Emmie said...

Oh those poor ducks! I bet they were looking forward to their tomato and herb rustic bread ;o)

Seriously hun, take it slowly and don't expect yourself to be supergirl all the time!

Much love and huggles
Emma xxxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

The slideshow is brilliant, I emailed everyone I could think of with the link!
I hope you're feeling more cheery today :) Don't worry about the ducks, I'm sure they'll forgive you just this once ;)
Loads of love, Kat xxx

klics04 said...

Emily Inga sent us your slide show, it is excellent. Here in Cyprus we have one of the highest doner rates in the world. Our door on this beautiful island will be open to you and A after your transplant, love and hugs to you and A of course. kevnlesxxxxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

Em, my confidence still isn't back after being in hospital and it's been over a year! So don't be hard on yourself ok! It's really hard to be in the company of people that don't know you well and that just see oxygen, wheelchair and breathlesness but I know that you're usually great with that kind of situations so it will come back soon! The slideshow is great too, lovely. Hugs xxxx

Fi said...

Chin up love, there'll be plenty more duck feeding frenzies i'm sure :)

Still thinking of and sending on the slideshow to everyone I can think of


Anonymous said...

Hi Emily,
just back and have read your two notes as I didn't get to read Wednesday's one last week. The slideshow is excellent, may it pbring lots of positive offers. Chin up; we all know those difficult lacking-in-confidence days. Physical exhaustion does lead to feeling down and depressed, it's not something you can control so don't feel guilty about it. Just spoil yourself rotten and let others spoil you too. Getting out for even a little trip each day (as you already know) is great too and isn't it amazing how we enjoy the simple pleasures when we've been hospitalised for a while. So go spend money and cosset yourself, you deserve it. And if you feel like a big weep, just go ahead - you know crying releases calming hormones so sometimes it's an absolute necessity, not something to be ashamed of.

Take care little girl.

Simba said...

Your blog reminded me of this Pooh hum ;)

Isn't it funny
How a bear likes honey?
Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!
I wonder why he does?

It's a very funny thought that, if Bears were Bees,
They'd build their nests at the bottom of trees.
And that being so (if the Bees were Bears),
We shouldn't have to climb up all these stairs.


Anonymous said...

Em, I just read on one of Nicole/Kina's (Breath Seeker) friend's blogs that Nicole got the call for lungs today!
You may already know, if I thought I'd say incase you hadn't heard! Yey, my thoughts are with her today :) x

Anonymous said...

hello luvverly (i can't escape the bristol twang), i tried to leave you a comment but it doesn't appear to have worked! d'oh! slideshow is very moving. love to you p.s. if you ever feel you're lacking faith in yourself i'll just have to have enough faith in you for both of us!

Anonymous said...

Still no word on the lungs, but it was supposed to be a 6 hr procedure, as of 8:45 my time last night, and it is now 7:14am.

Sure it was alright though.

Anonymous said...

bonjour Emily,

just to say always thinking of you and every day praying that with every second your health is getting better and better, your body stronger and stronger and your mood happier and happier. Courage..........