Thursday, May 11, 2006

After pondering for a while on whether to post this, I have decided to do so, as the whole point of this blog is to be honest, even when I dont think my own emotions are very good ones!

I found out today two people who I know of have had their calls for transplant in the last 48 hours! This is absolutely fantastic news, and when I read about Clockwatcher's on his blog I was over the moon, and immediately jumped onto the forums to post about it.

It is always such a lift when you hear someone else has had their call, it is a boost of reassurance to hear that another person has receieved those lungs they have been so desperately waiting for, almost like a confirmation that it does happen, as sometimes it can feel like this is all a bit ficticious.

But then I seem to get a slight down (ok, big down) feeling, one of jealousy I suppose if I am being brutally honest. I mean how awful is that?! I think it almost feels as though it pushes me towards that 50% that doesnt get it in time, which again is rediculous and unneccessary.

I think there is only one other person I know who is waiting who has not even had a false alarm, like myself, and whilst this has absolutely no bearing on whether you get your transplant or not, it sometimes plays on my mind. Almost as if the false alarm is the dress rehearsal, therefore necessary for the final performance to go ahead. Completely false belief of mine, as the transplant centre have reassured me, but I cant help my imagination being a tad overactive. But after 14 months of waiting, with absolutely no news whatsoever, you cant help but think about these things at times.

Right. Now that moment of selfishness and self-pity is over (see I do have them, I am normal!) I will pick myself up, tell myself what I would tell anyone else, which is to stay positive as it cant hurt and might well help, and tonight will have a celebratory drink for the two recent recipiants, here's to a fast and smooth recovery and a fantastic new lease of life with healthy new lungs!

12 comments:

Shadow said...

Your feelings are understandable Em.don't be ashamed of them. Keep your chin up hun, your call will come, just concentrate on keeping yourself fighting fit for recovery time - and a walk over a certain finish line!!
Hugs. xx

Simba said...

Being a dramary person, a false alarm being a dress rehearsal is probably more important to you than other people but it's not necessary and doesn't give any clue as to when your call with come.

The surgeon's are just fine-tuning their technique so they'll be able to wip out your old lungs and pop in your new ones in a couple of hours and you'll be as right as rain (I've just realised that that's a really weird saying..!) before we can say all the pink and fluffy things in the world.

Happy drinks tonight and lots of love xxxx

Sarah Milne said...

I'm not at all surprised you feel like that Emily, in fact I thought of you and how you must be feeling when I read the message you posted. It wouldn't be human not to feel like that.

Some really close friends of ours sadly lost their son to infection before Christmas. When William had a big near miss in hospital some time after she shared with me that she had felt jealous that Wills got the help he needed and her son had not had it close enough to hand. I could understand and was glad she felt able to share it with me because we have gone through so much together with the boys and share a lot, even though we only met in hospital last year.

I'm glad you feel able to say everything on the blog. I can't wait for the day I read that you have had your call!!!! I think I'll be jumping all over the place.

Huge hugs
Sarah x x x

Emmie said...

Awww sweetie
I think it's totally understandable you feel like that. In fact as soon as you told me about those two getting their calls, I immediately though "That must be so tough for Emily to hear" but you seemed so chirpy I didn't say anything. Anyway, I would feel just the same in your position. We all know how happy you are for them, but it rubs in for you the fact that there has been nothing for all these months and that IS unfair because you need that call too. But rest assured hunni, we are going to GET you that call. I just know it is on its way so please believe that. Anyway, I'm babbling now. Just wanted to send you a massive hug and say keep your chin up. MWAH xxxxxxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

You can do this hun. Don't worry, I've been pimping out the Livelifethengivelife site on myspace. lol I post bulletins, and I'm surprised how many people repost it. Let me know if you have AIM or something, we could talk aboutthings. *hugs* Keep that chin up hun. -dark_iris_eyes- (Nicole) or Kina from myspace...

diddyangel said...

Hey sweetie, It's totally understandable you feel like this it must be so hard!! Keep fighting and smilling I know you can do it!!! (hugs) xxxxx

Kiera said...

Just to say 'ditto' to what everyone else has said.
Good for you for being able to express it and then move on and up. x

audrey said...

Em, I was going to ask you if you had such feelings and thought I wouldn't bother as I already knew the answer. You've been waiting a long time and you are more than entitled to feel like this. We are all willing you to get that call, we really are. At this point in time there's nothing I'm hoping for more. We all love you xx

Anonymous said...

Everyone has those feelings. And I'd like someone to challenge me on that one. I get those feelings when I hear about a friend getting onto the list. I just want to be on there!

Hillary said...

Not many people can be honest. What your feeling is completely understandable. Stay positive (even though it's hard) and your time will come. Keep your head up! Thanks for signing my guest book. :)Smiles!!!

Hillary said...

hmm...I don't know why it posted as shadow...It's Hillary! lol.

Jesse said...

I just found your blog today in a round-about way from CF Trust -> Clockwatcher. Hang in there. We're all in this together.