After pondering for a while on whether to post this, I have decided to do so, as the whole point of this blog is to be honest, even when I dont think my own emotions are very good ones!
I found out today two people who I know of have had their calls for transplant in the last 48 hours! This is absolutely fantastic news, and when I read about Clockwatcher's on his blog I was over the moon, and immediately jumped onto the forums to post about it.
It is always such a lift when you hear someone else has had their call, it is a boost of reassurance to hear that another person has receieved those lungs they have been so desperately waiting for, almost like a confirmation that it does happen, as sometimes it can feel like this is all a bit ficticious.
But then I seem to get a slight down (ok, big down) feeling, one of jealousy I suppose if I am being brutally honest. I mean how awful is that?! I think it almost feels as though it pushes me towards that 50% that doesnt get it in time, which again is rediculous and unneccessary.
I think there is only one other person I know who is waiting who has not even had a false alarm, like myself, and whilst this has absolutely no bearing on whether you get your transplant or not, it sometimes plays on my mind. Almost as if the false alarm is the dress rehearsal, therefore necessary for the final performance to go ahead. Completely false belief of mine, as the transplant centre have reassured me, but I cant help my imagination being a tad overactive. But after 14 months of waiting, with absolutely no news whatsoever, you cant help but think about these things at times.
Right. Now that moment of selfishness and self-pity is over (see I do have them, I am normal!) I will pick myself up, tell myself what I would tell anyone else, which is to stay positive as it cant hurt and might well help, and tonight will have a celebratory drink for the two recent recipiants, here's to a fast and smooth recovery and a fantastic new lease of life with healthy new lungs!
The C Word
5 days ago