Friday, January 02, 2009

Happy New Year!
I hope everyone had a fantastic and sparkly Christmas - mine was wonderful and consisted predominantly of family, food and a great deal of fun.

I caught another cold (4th this winter) in the run up to Christmas and it really hit me hard – one of the reasons I went so quiet. Dutifully, I headed up to Harefield to be checked out and was horrified when they mentioned the words “acute infection” and “IVs” to me. Looking back it was a pathetically over the top internal reaction – as a CFer I used to have IVs all the time and there are hundreds of pwcf out there who still have IVs all the time and don’t bat an eyelid...but it’s true what I was told pre-transplant; you get used to being “normal” ever so quickly.

Anyway. They gave me some orals and I am to go back on Monday. But the great news is the Temperatures have stopped as have the other horrid symptoms and I am fairly confident that I will be sent away IV-free. Lung function remained pretty much stable which is obviously the most reassuring sign.

Feeling so ill this side of transplant hit me in a variety of ways. Firstly, I panicked as I am not used to being ill now I am well (comprehend that sentence if you can). Secondly and more horribly, I was able to remember properly for the first time since transplant how it used to be. Now I’m so well, it’s very hard to take my mind back to life pre-tx as my entire body feels different and memory relies on sensations and feelings as well. But I was transported back to lying in bed all the time and it shook me quite a bit mentally (am still randomly welling up/crying at the smallest thing, most amusing example being when I was telling my mum about crying that morning I cried remembering how I cried. Hmm.)

Now I’m feeling much better the strangest feeling left is one of guilt; I feel like compared to my old CF-state (and to many of my CF friends) I had no right to get in a state or to moan as much as I did…I’ve put up with worse and others are still putting up with worse. But then I was scared; I was told it was an acute infection and that can cause rejection….but then once the antibiotics kicked in within two days I was feeling so much better. It made me feel fraudulent as before it would take me weeks if not months to recover. Does that mean it was less valid? I’m unsure, but just very glad these orals seem to have worked.

Nearly two years on (in 2 days!) and I am still getting used to my new lungs. I suppose I worked with my old ones for 22 years so I shouldn’t really be surprised that there are still unknowns hidden around corners.

Other than a bit of crappy health luck, Christmas and New Year were fabulous. I always get a bit emotional at New Year and was reassured that several other Transplant patients reassured me that they do too. I think it’s just such a marker that anyone who has been through anything vaguely life-altering will find a whole sea of emotions well up in them at that time.

New Years Resolutions for 2009? The same ones I always make (and never keep) such as being more organized, tidier, etc, but also not to take things for granted. I always worry slightly that I am in danger of doing that the further away my old life becomes, and I never ever want to forget how lucky I am.


Rachael said...

All the best for 2009 Emily xx

Anonymous said...

glad the antibiotics kicked in in super quick time and it will show how strong your lungs are fighting off that infection.

all the best for 2009 and happy second tx anniversary!

Anonymous said...

Glad you back on road to recovery take it easy....Yet another MOT'as such' best to be on safe side as you say otherwise can cause serious complications if don't act quickly..

Happy New Year to you& your family- health love & happiness always....

best wishes Elaine Rach & family xx

Anonymous said...

I think it's totally understandable that you had a big wobble - luckily all is well but it doesn't make it less scary.

If it makes you feel any better I cried telling my friend how much I cried at ET. Again. Things are often as raw and emotionak after the event :-)

Happy new year Mrs A.

Audrey xx

lulu said...

Hey hun...I am sorry to hear u been poorly sick over the festive season! But I am pleased that u didn't have to stay at Hairy for inpatient treatment, phew!

Happy 2009 and I hope all your wishes and dreams come true!!

Mwoah xxxx

Anonymous said...

Emily, Happy New Year to you. Take care of yourself, I'll try to do it myself also.


Holly said...

Happy New Year, glad your on the mend!

Thanks for all your support this year, your a star!

Much Love x

Jac said...

You are more than allowed to be a bit freaked out by ill health post tx - in fact perhaps even more so! Post tx can be an unnerving place to be at times so I think you have done well to stay so smiley. Good luck for check up :-)
higs xxx

Gilly said...

After all that you have been through, you are more than entitled to feel scared, so don't even consider that you don't have the right!! ...Do I sound like a Mummy?

Anyhoo Happy Newyear and much love

Gilly and Gracie lou xx

Anonymous said...

New Year is a weird time for lots of people Emily - a good friend of mine who is currently on a treatment programme for cancer, didn't turn up to our new year party at the last minute - I can totally understand why. It's a weird one. Glad you are feeling better and great news about your forthcoming holiday.
Lindy xxx

suzie said...

All the very best for 2009 hunni, bless you to bits, you're special you are.