One of the biggest differences in life now compared to life when I was ill is change (this blog is a bit of a stream of consciousness, bear with me).
Whilst I was waiting for my transplant, the only thing that would ever change was my health status, or at least that's the only really significant thing I can remember changing. I am not sure if this was carefully manufactured (people ensuring stability in all other areas of my life) or whether it was logical (if you can't get out and do stuff then nothing really changes) or even whether it's just my memory focusing on the part of my life which captured most of my time and attention. But I am fairly sure that in everything else there was a reassuring yet dull consistency, one which is artificial, whatever caused it.
I am still quite surprised at how fast the course of life can change this side of things, and I’m not sure I’ve quite taken it all into my stride yet. I always prided myself on being so independent when I was ill but sometimes when change occurs now I still find myself reaching out to someone just for a bit of reassurance (normal behaviour? I am unsure). Luckily for me, the tight-knit circle of people I had when I was ill have gone nowhere, but we just have a much more balanced support relationship now. For example baby sister number one (middling) is turning 21 this week (sob) and it was jointly agreed that her room needs a bit of a make-over (there are still toys of mine in there from when I was 8). I was able to spend the entire morning there helping tidy, dispose of and clean and it felt fantastic just to be able to chip in and do my bit. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that joyous feeling of doing something “normal” and remembering how impossible it used to be. And I never want that feeling to fade.
So yes, change. I’d like to ask for some feedback actually; whatever stage you are at in life (not ill, transplantee/patient/CF whatever) how do you adapt to change? Am talking about larger movements in life (job, house etc). Are you confident with where you are going next or is life still a bit of a mystery that you’re feeling your way through? I still love the adventure; it's exciting and has movement, pace and opportunity...I’m just wondering if I’m the only one without a map.
Sending some smiles!
3 weeks ago